Mitch and Denny were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when Denny noticed that Mitch got a new set of clubs.  Denny asked Mitch how he like the clubs and if they’ve helped his game at all.  Mitch replied, “Oh yeah, they’re great clubs!  They’ve added at least 25 yards to my slices, about 30 yards to my hooks and you would be surprised at the size of my divots!”

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest.  But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond.  "I have observed, said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language.
"Yeah, I guess not," said Fred, "what the hell do they have to swear about?"

A guy is at a driving range and having a heck of a day.
Everything he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20 feet and burning worms
the whole way.  Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters,
“If I don’t connect with this one, I’m gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!”

Pro looks at him and says “I don’t think you can do it.”

“Why not?” He asks.

Pro says “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long!”

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.                  

The man said to the dentist, “Doctor, I’m in one hell of a big hurry!  I have two buddies sitting
out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.  So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the
tooth and be done with it.  I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to
pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which
tooth hurts.”

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE (Amherst, MA)

RAINY DAY GOLF....

MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows.

The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys.  Finally, MacDermott spoke,

  "That was quite a round of golf."
"Aye," MacDuff replied. "Same time
next Saturday?"
  "Aye," said MacDuff, "weather permitting."

John & Bob

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club.
Neither man trusted the other's arithmetic.
One day they were playing a heated match and watching
each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green
and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,
"What'd you have?
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up.
"Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself,.
" No, no....a five."
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said,
"Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually
you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?"
asked Bob.
John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie."

Lost Ball?

Off the seventh tee, Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.
He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search
of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Brian immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "You can't get out of here
with an eight iron!"

DIDN'T I?

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. He took another mighty swing with his 3-wood and the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

And he replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"